[He tries not to, but Bruno already feels exasperated with this conversation before it's even really begun. It's nothing particularly personal towards Abbacchio, it's simply that this conversation has been had before with Giorno. Jotaro's avoided it as Bruno would expect, but it's been just beneath the surface of a few of their conversation. Izabel's backed away from it in the past, accepting what he's said on the matter even if it's with some skepticism. Even Mista--Mista of all people--has tried to initiate this conversation with Bruno.]
[And now Abbacchio as well.]
[Bruno's exasperation never fully reaches the surface, but he subtly rests his weight back on a hip away from Abbacchio.]
Meaning?
Edited (it's almost 1am ssshhh) 2015-10-31 04:47 (UTC)
[Abbacchio by contrast is nothing but visibly restrained emotion already. He leans against the railing and then away from it a second later, folding his arms across his chest and frowning. That Bruno gives him nothing but a word, and not even a useful one, only cements further for him that this conversation is very, very necessary. He doesn't even get a denial?
Alright. He holds up a hand.]
Giorno bullshits me, Buccellati, not you. Do me the favor of not starting now.
[This is about Bruno, but specifically not about being delicate and backing off when it's implied that should be done.]
Meaning nobody gains anything from you acting like all this is normal. So.
[Bruno looks aside for a moment while Abbacchio is talking to look out over the water. The tension in his jaw is obscured partially by his hair, but there's little he can do to hide the hardness that's beginning to grow in his eyes.]
And the alternative of dwelling on it? [Bruno looks at Abbacchio again.] What does that do for anyone?
Say I do it your way. Say I say everything all of you are expecting and wanting to hear from me and none of it's true. What does that do? What does it change? Because... [Bruno shakes his head a little, shrugging his shoulders.] I'm not seeing the benefit.
[Outside of maybe getting everyone to stop trying to have a conversation about what doesn't need to be talked about. Maybe. Bruno's actually more certain it will only serve as a distraction. But it's all Bruno wants at this point. He just wants them to let it go and move on. It doesn't need to be a weight that they carry around with them all the time.]
[Well. Abbacchio folds his arms again, listening. Yet again Bruno is putting too much focus on the rest of them, on What does that do for anyone?, and that isn't the point. That was never actually the point--Abbacchio thinks he can safely assume that for all of them, that no one has gone to Bruno looking to cover their own bad feelings with some pretty lies.
And he just said not to bullshit him, and everything.]
What do you think everyone wants you to say? Honestly, tell me, because I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You think we all got together and picked a magic word and the winner gets a goddamn prize?
[Maybe that's exaggerating. Come on, though; even suggesting lying to appease them is a bit much. Abbacchio needs a moment to rein it in anyway, looking away, jaw clenched tight.
It's difficult, truthfully, to argue. Bruno is usually right. But what the fuck does "benefit" have to do with anything? This isn't a zero-sum game; none of that is the point. Somehow he speaks with markedly less aggression when he continues,]
I don't know what kind of change you're looking for. Or not looking for. I don't know what you think would be worth it. What I do know is that I'm standing on a bridge in the dark and I might as well be talking to the water because I don't think you're really here.
[The hand at Bruno's side curls slowly into a fist. It's not, however, out of anger or frustration. It just creates a small amount of tension in his arm, pressure from his fingertips on his palm. Sensation. He's not reaching for his pulse or letting himself be distracted by his breath. He just feels that momentary sensation before his hand relaxes once again.]
I am here.
[But it's always a question, always a concern. At night, if he was still awake, he'd hear his door creak open softly a couple of hours after he had gotten into bed. He'd never look to see who it was, Mista or Giorno, but he'd deepen his breaths to create just enough movement to be seen until the door clicked quietly shut again. If the moment were the same as the present but with Giorno instead, he'd already feel an almost childlike grip on his arm by now. Even Bruno sometimes needs reassurances every now and again that he's here.]
[But he is. He is.]
Trust me, I know the difference. Things aren't the same or what they used to be, [they can't be,] but I'm here.
[That, Abbacchio thinks, is one of those things they all want to hear. He can't deny hearing that sends a twinge of relief through him. It does. That's fine, that doesn't negate or turn over anything he's been saying. But they're not done yet - "here" is a start, not a marker of some finality to this discussion. Which "here" is it--physically? Right now, because someone's insisted, but maybe not later? Bruno was there still the first time he died but he came back wrong, and what else is he not sharing for the sake of forcing them all to move on?]
I don't believe you. Why don't I believe you?
[The words, the literal words make perfect sense. Separately, believing Buccellati knows what he's talking about and knowing things aren't what they used to be are perfectly fine facts, but put together something catches at the back of his mind and won't let go. Abbacchio doesn't want to say he understands the same nebulous feeling of being-dead-but-not-anymore because he doesn't, not in precisely the same way.
But Bruno Buccellati is just a man, and man isn't meant to leave things unacknowledged, leave greater things unsaid. Abbacchio looks at him and wonders when Bruno the man eclipsed Buccellati the leader, the linchpin, the operative. If those can coexist still with nothing the same as before.
Strong-arming him into this conversation isn't kind to either. With Passione as shaken up as it is now, Abbacchio has the abrupt thought that if left for too long, something's going to break without room to restructure itself. That one he can even say he understands. Whatever fractures can't be Bruno, for all of their sake.]
You know I want to believe you. That's a given. But I'm not out here for me, so which one of us are you trying to convince?
[Bruno tamps down on the impulse to say he doesn't need convincing. It wouldn't be a complete lie. Most days, he doesn't. He can say that honestly. Bruno doesn't stay awake at night over it. He doesn't dream about it. He doesn't obsess over it. Not usually. But there are days and times he catches himself. Fingers find their way to his pulse points at his wrists. He moves with his breath in and out. He can't bring himself to look down. He finds himself watching or looking at something he might normally only give a passing glance. He lingers for a while on the food he eats, the taste and texture. He feels his skin crawl at how idle he's been lately as a sharp contrast to how he only had just enough time to keep everyone moving.]
[It happens sometimes. But only sometimes.]
Only one of us is challenging me on it right now and it's not me, Abbacchio.
[Abbacchio looks off to the side again, grinding his teeth before he loses his temper and this entire conversation falls apart. He wants to object and insist he's not challenging, that would imply again that someone's going to win or lose and that's still not the point--but part of it is still a challenge of a lesser kind. Murkier.
So. Fine. He'll concede to "challenging."]
Well, it looks like you're not going to, so it's going to have to be me. Can you answer me without circling around how pissed you are?
If you already know, why do I need to say anything about it? Why ask?
[Bruno isn't being obtuse. They're genuine questions. He's angry. So what? What good is that anger going to do? Talking about it isn't going to make him less angry. It isn't going to change circumstances (past or present) any. Nor is being angry going to help him do what needs doing. He's acknowledge it a handful of times to himself, but that should be enough. He acknowledges it and then he moves on to focus on what's in front of him instead. As far as Bruno is concerned, that's all that needs to happen with his anger.]
Oh, for-- [Goddamn it.] Because it doesn't go away just because you want it to.
[Yet again, the point isn't that Abbacchio knows. Giorno knows, and look where that's gotten him-- This touch-and-go approach, this roundabout method where they keep dipping into acknowledging anger and whatever else and then leaving it alone is as pointless as not acknowledging it at all. Abbacchio of all people knows what it's like to look something in the face and then leave it alone to resolve itself. It doesn't. It rots there and lingers, making moving forward without it a faraway possibility. Wanting something doesn't make it real.]
Why do you listen to me when I'm being an asshole? Or Giorno when he wants to save the world, or Izabel and whatever weird shit she comes up with? [no offense Izabel] I don't know what's so damn impossible about letting someone do the same thing for you.
[Bruno looks away again. This time he turns, folding his arms and leaning on the railing with tension in his shoulders. He lifts a hand, resting his forehead against it and closes his eyes. He's wrong in that Bruno can actually will away what he feels when he needs to. Bruno does it all the time. He has to. But Abbacchio is right he can't make it stay away.]
What's so damn impossible... Abbacchio, tell me, who the hell do you think is still keeping us together? [He lifts his head and looks at Abbacchio over his shoulder.] Giorno's supposed to, but he sure as hell isn't. He's barely keeping himself together lately. And who do you think is going to tell him that? Mista agrees to everything and can't find anything wrong with Giorno or his decisions most of the time. You disagree out of spite and nitpick just to keep the petty bullshit grudge you have built up alive and well.
So, who does that leave? [He straightens, leaving his hands on the railing.] Don't misunderstand. I don't resent anyone or the position I'm in. If I did, I wouldn't bother with any of it. But I'm doing what I've always done and now, all of a sudden, each of you want to complain that I'm supposedly not doing enough for myself. You want me to take care of things whether you'd ever say it explicitly or not, but you don't want to trust me to look after myself. You don't want to listen to me when I say there's nothing to worry about because what you think I should be feeling and going doesn't match up to reality. And that's what makes it so damn impossible.
So, yes. If you really want to know, I'm pissed. But I can either be pissed off and continue to be until I can't stand it or anyone, myself included, or I can hold onto what matters, let go of the anger, and keep moving forward.
[At first Abbacchio opens his mouth like he's going to interrupt with some other point, but he thinks better of it. And when he shuts up and listens, he reaches the same conclusion anew for each of Bruno's points; he's still right. They're all falling apart in different directions, himself included, and they do still perpetuate Bruno's place among them as the leader and the fixer. That doesn't shine a flattering light on any of them to hear Bruno say it himself, but that...
Saying it himself is the point. Abbacchio shifts his weight and leans back against the railing as he listens in silence, and he thinks it's lucky, in a backwards way, that it's him standing here instead of one of the others. Abbacchio already knows their family is a mess, even if he's arrived at the right conclusion in the wrong way.
And more importantly--Abbacchio isn't going to apologize or try to defend them. They've all done it, so why act otherwise now? He shrugs, hands palm-up, shaking his head.]
We're a pack of bastards with bad habits-- that's what we've always been. You're not wrong about us. But what you've always done doesn't apply anymore because you died and now things have to change, if you'd actually let them. How the hell can you tell me things aren't the way they were and then insist on doing the same shit you always do?
[Does that make any fucking sense because please, enlighten him if it does. Everything is different now in ways no one, Bruno included, was prepared to deal with, and Bruno isn't excluded from the fallout. This adjustment period is difficult enough without adding that to the mix.
He shifts his shoulders again, tense; there's something else that bothers him about this insistence that Bruno has to keep them together-- that they're all woefully inadequate for the job of keeping Giorno together too. It's not petty, though. It's not. But he looks steadily straight ahead and away from Bruno anyway, as it's not the easiest point to bring up.]
You can't take care of things for us-- for Giorno and Mista if they ever get out of here and go home. And Mista won't do it, [a slight tilt of his head; yeah that's true, Mista is too up Giorno's ass all the time-] so sooner or later Giorno has to deal with his own shit without your help.
[Giorno taking charge in Napoli is not Abbacchio's primary concern, but if they're talking about how Bruno feels some responsibility to lead them even if it's only in subtle ways--well. Stop it, for fuck's sake, since it's led to this. And from what vague details Abbacchio picked up from Izabel just earlier tonight, he's starting to think,] Giorno can't get his act together because you're letting him let you do his job for him.
[That isn't a fair thing to say that Bruno is letting Giorno do anything. Or it doesn't feel like a fair thing to say because it's not true. Not entirely.]
[Sure, there are times in which Bruno lets Giorno lean on him. Those moments are not often because Giorno tries to keep his vulnerabilities to himself and both of them recognize fostering that sort of dependency won't do anyone any good in the long run. Bruno knows that and doesn't try to linger or create more instances in which they fall into old habits. But when they come up, Bruno allows for it to happen and so does Giorno.]
[Some of it is selfish in its own way. Bruno doesn't know how to be anything but the leader and the fixer. It's all he's ever been even before Passione. And now... Now sometimes it feels like the only thing he has left. He doesn't have a life or a future to speak of, but he can still help in some capacity. But he also knows that Giorno is missing someone else that's important that would take the space Bruno's temporarily and infrequently occupying. Selfishness aside, Bruno can't simply turn his kindness off. He can't look the other way when someone is blatantly suffering and in need.]
[But other times...]
[Bruno steps closer to Abbacchio.]
It's not that simple and straightforward. Sometimes maybe I do let him rely on me too much. I try not to because I don't mind doing things his way or following his lead, but we both make mistakes in trying to figure what's going to work long-term and what isn't. But letting him let me take the responsibility doesn't account for everything.
Do you really think he and I had a nice chat after you arrived? We argued, Abbacchio, because he deliberately told you what happened and he only told you so much so I'd have to tell the rest. He knew how you'd react--that you'd blame him and get too pissed off to be around him--and he knew I couldn't just let you slip away from the rest of us.
[He holds up a hand.]
If you really want to make the argument that you would have come around eventually on your own while by yourself, or maybe you might have given the time of day to Giorno long enough to try and make it work, and I should have just stayed out of it completely, fine. Maybe you would have if I stayed out of it.
[Bruno doesn't really believe it. It would have taken some form of prodding from Bruno to move Abbacchio along and who knows how much time he'd really need to dig his heels in.]
[A master wordsmith Abbacchio is not, but he thinks he got the right idea across anyway, if not totally precisely. So they're working it out somehow -- alright, fine. But they could be smarter about it, if Giorno's still dreaming up flashbacks to that one night. Abbacchio has said it before, that Giorno not being in top form is dangerous and not only for himself, and he stands by that. He'd bring it up again, he thinks, if they weren't suddenly talking about him.
It's surprising. Abbacchio blinks and looks at Bruno while he speaks, his brow furrowed. He's been terrible to Giorno and he knows and understands that. Giorno wanted him to get angry--he knows that too, frowning as he remembers Giorno offering to meet him somewhere private, somewhere Abbacchio could get as angry as he wanted and nobody would come around to stop him. But he also remembers telling him in no uncertain terms to fuck off in response to that, to not use Abbacchio as some kind of vehicle for his martyrdom about all that happened before any of them arrived here. So, really, if Giorno wants to try to manipulate them, that's still his own problem.
None of that changes the fact that he has nothing left to say when Bruno is through. All he can come up with is it isn't fair to use that as a defense for being the leader and the fixer all the time - maybe Giorno shouldn't have done what he did in the first place, and things would have gone differently without the need for such hasty restructuring of all their pieces. But things have fallen where they are, and Abbacchio is petty and mean but he isn't a child, so he says nothing.
He was ready to be told he was wrong or at least not completely right. He could have thought of something to say if Bruno had stopped after the implication of his part in the imbalance between Bruno and Giorno right now. Even being put up against the idea that Giorno's problems stem partially from him (and it's true that he's guilty, it is, it is, Giorno fucked up and people died but how better than Giorno is Abbacchio in that regard anyway--) he could have taken. Sheer stubbornness would give him a way to argue that, yes, he would come around without any nudging from Bruno.
But.
'I would never risk you on a maybe.'
He has nothing; he expected a dozen things and none of them were that and he can't think of anything to say to it that actually sounds true. Abruptly he realizes he's been staring at Bruno in silence for too long a pause and looks down at the railing.
[Bruno waits, expecting a fight out Abbacchio about it. Even with Bruno laying out his reason why he went along with Giorno's manipulation, he expected a fight. They'd never agree on it and would just go in circles until one of them redirected the conversation because neither one would walk away from the other. Instead, Abbacchio just looks at him in a long moment of silence. And it is a long moment between the two of them, Bruno patiently waiting for Abbacchio first to summon a storm of anger to push back and then just for him to say anything at all. But Abbacchio looks away and whatever he might have been planning to say in his head when Bruno started speaking isn't there when he does finally speak.]
[Bruno draws a slow breath and lets it out on a quiet sigh. Bruno may have a problem of throwing himself too much into others, but Abbacchio has the opposite of excising himself as much as possible. It always seems to take him by complete and utter surprise, regardless of his promises to Bruno, that Bruno would want him there or places any value in him.]
Isn't it? You want me to talk to someone, but...
[He places a hand on Abbacchio's arm. This time when he speaks, he's calm and even, but it's not a veneer of denial. He simply sounds tired.]
I don't know what set you off tonight. It honestly doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't send someone else. [Bruno takes his hand back, resting it on the railing again.] Besides, I wouldn't have said most of what I have to anyone else. Regardless of whether or not they need me to fix things, you know as well as I do they couldn't sit and listen to any of that. They sure as hell wouldn't have been stubborn enough to make me say it in the first place.
[But in all seriousness, as much as they want Bruno to open up, they couldn't stand to hear any of it. In some ways, they do need Bruno still to be as steady as he's always been. He can't be entirely what he once was--it's something he has to learn to cope with as do the others--but they still need him to be reliable and know he's there to fall back on if things get desperate. And ultimately, they wouldn't understand either. There are parts of what Bruno's been through that no one can understand.]
[Abbacchio, however, is able to wait Bruno out. As always, he's pushed and challenged Bruno that the others couldn't have. Bruno thinks if anyone else in the gang had found out the truth, Abbacchio would have been able to handle it. He wouldn't have liked it, but he'd set it aside and kept focused. He'd struggle with it later, but not in the moment. And now... Well, now they're not all that different. They're on far more equal footing than they ever have been in the past with the both of them struggling to find their places within the larger framework. But they know at least one place they belong. So, it's easier with Abbacchio. Easier than it is with Giorno, Mista, or anyone else that might try to talk to him because he shares an understanding with Abbacchio that simply isn't there with the others. Bruno folds his arms again on the railing and leans on it, looking out over the water.]
It's not completely about you, but it's not completely about me either. Whatever happens from this point forward... [Bruno shakes his head a little.] We're in it together, Leone.
[Abbacchio doesn't look up until Bruno touches his arm, and even then he looks up slowly, just listening. He doesn't move any more than that -- even if he wanted to, all of him feels heavy with the litany of reasons he does not deserve the trust and acceptance Bruno gives to him at all. He can't lift his other hand to touch Bruno's for the weight of it, although the weight on his arm is an entirely different kind that makes him want more than anything to move--
He stands there. He listens. It's strange but half of Bruno's words sound like they must be for someone else, so even though the words are a kind of appraisal, there's a lapse in time before they really sink in, a split-second to think.
Before arriving in this city someone whose forgiveness he can never convince himself he deserves told him he'd done well, that he'd managed to do the right thing finally. The fever dream of a dying man or no (honestly, he can believe only so many things), that's hung over him for weeks now as he wonders if it's true. He still doesn't know. But Bruno, Bruno is here and real, and even if Abbacchio doesn't think he'll ever deserve him either, he's going to try. To believe it or to be someone who doesn't have to convince himself, he's not sure yet--but something else has changed and he's only just realizing it now.
He can move, and lifts his hand to bump the back of it and his knuckles into Bruno's arm. (Honestly he's doing all he can manage in a single day, alright.) He takes a deep breath and breathes it out shortly, the barest suggestion of a laugh.]
You sure? I'm kind of an asshole.
[But he doesn't move his hand away. Bruno is so far ahead of him, but if Abbacchio can touch him like this then he must have done something worth doing to get here. Whatever that is. This.
Each of his promises to Bruno thus far has been focused on following him anywhere. If he's going to try, he can start there. What had Izabel said to him when they met? Something she meant about Giorno, but about someone who can forgive all of your bullshit-- Start there.]
... Buccellati, [but not there, no, apparently not] I'm with you. In this place, or wherever-- it's not "maybe," it's always.
[He waits a second or two, expecting and giving Abbacchio the space to take his hand back. But it remains there and all it takes is a subtle shift of Bruno's arm to cover Abbacchio's hand with his own. Something similar happened with Giorno when he reached out. Bruno's not exactly a tactile person by nature, but he has a hard time ignoring touch now and not taking advantage of the ability to feel someone else's warm hand in his. The difference here, however, is that Bruno doesn't take his hand back shortly after. He keeps it there.]
I know.
[In the same way he knew Abbacchio would show up here eventually, he knows Abbacchio will always be at his side come hell or high water. It's an implicit trust and faith he places in Abbacchio. He looks over his shoulder to meet Abbacchio's eyes again. He gives his hand just a light squeeze.]
I'll be okay.
[It's not a lie this time because he isn't making a concerted effort to makes or to minimize anything. It's the barest of admissions that Bruno isn't okay now. It's a faint hope that he will, indeed, be okay eventually. Because he needs to be. Because he wants to be. He just hasn't figured out how to be yet, how to get there or what it will even look like. And that's been a part of his seemingly endless silence and brush-offs in response to any concern. He hasn't had any words for any of it until now. So, even though the ones he gives Abbacchio now are somewhat vague and nebulous in their shape and meaning, they're better than what he's had since he found himself here.]
[Likewise, Abbacchio waits, assuming Bruno's hand in his will be another brief contact like the touch to his arm before. When it isn't he relaxes - he doesn't actually remember tensing up - just minutely, letting his grip fit more naturally against Bruno's in the same moment his hand is squeezed.
He is not going to say a word about that, lest he shatter whatever it is that's inspired Bruno to take his hand. Instead he focuses on the rest; 'I'll be okay.' This one he believes, with everything unsaid backing it. The resolution is a long way off and any number of things can go wrong, and quickly, but if these intangible somethings - Bruno's will to be okay and his own private, uncertain resolve to try - are where they have to start, then that's that.
They still aren't done. But even Abbacchio can see that this is better than spinning wheels and going nowhere. Maybe for now the hows and whens can be left to be worked out in due time.
Or maybe Abbacchio is drained, and the intangibles can't hold his interest quite like the very tangible feel of a hand on his, and there isn't anything he can pick out to argue over in that admission, anyway.]
I know. [I trust you. He considers then adds,] That's probably enough to satisfy the rest if they start in again.
[This is Abbacchio #trying. But honestly, he lacks all of the demand his voice carried in the earlier part of this conversation - that if is important.]
[Bruno's smile is slight, but it's genuine as it reaches his eyes.]
Let's hope so because I think the next person who asks after my well-being but doesn't accept my answer is getting their mouth zipped shut.
[He's joking. Mostly.]
[Having Abbacchio accept things as they are right now, trusting him, and letting it go for now is enough though to smooth over most of Bruno's irritation. He's been aware that he's needed each of those things at some point or another, but he couldn't have predicted how much he needed all of them at once. It doesn't fix everything, of course, but calling it a relief still seems like an understatement.]
[He pushes off the railing. In doing so, he lets their hands lower, but he still hasn't let go.]
I think it's going to be an early night for me. Are you coming?
[No lie though, call him first if someone's getting their mouth zipped shut. He quirks an eyebrow at that, amused for all he still doesn't laugh. That Bruno's willing to table this discussion for now with something light-hearted relieves Abbacchio in a way he didn't anticipate. He hadn't actually thought this through until the end - throwing the issue down and waiting to see what reaction he got was about all the planning he did. It would have been incredibly easy to make things worse and he's so, so relieved that he didn't. Bruno is alright and will be better; enough.
All things considered, this moment could be a lot more tense. The only thing that qualifies is Abbacchio's focus zeroing in on their hands as he steps away from the railing himself, but another moment is all it takes for his grip to relax again.]
As riveting as standing out here alone in the dark would be, [he gives the railing one last pat with his free hand, like it's a dear friend that really helped out with this.] I'm ready to go.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[And now Abbacchio as well.]
[Bruno's exasperation never fully reaches the surface, but he subtly rests his weight back on a hip away from Abbacchio.]
Meaning?
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Alright. He holds up a hand.]
Giorno bullshits me, Buccellati, not you. Do me the favor of not starting now.
[This is about Bruno, but specifically not about being delicate and backing off when it's implied that should be done.]
Meaning nobody gains anything from you acting like all this is normal. So.
[Soooo.]
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And the alternative of dwelling on it? [Bruno looks at Abbacchio again.] What does that do for anyone?
Say I do it your way. Say I say everything all of you are expecting and wanting to hear from me and none of it's true. What does that do? What does it change? Because... [Bruno shakes his head a little, shrugging his shoulders.] I'm not seeing the benefit.
[Outside of maybe getting everyone to stop trying to have a conversation about what doesn't need to be talked about. Maybe. Bruno's actually more certain it will only serve as a distraction. But it's all Bruno wants at this point. He just wants them to let it go and move on. It doesn't need to be a weight that they carry around with them all the time.]
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And he just said not to bullshit him, and everything.]
What do you think everyone wants you to say? Honestly, tell me, because I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You think we all got together and picked a magic word and the winner gets a goddamn prize?
[Maybe that's exaggerating. Come on, though; even suggesting lying to appease them is a bit much. Abbacchio needs a moment to rein it in anyway, looking away, jaw clenched tight.
It's difficult, truthfully, to argue. Bruno is usually right. But what the fuck does "benefit" have to do with anything? This isn't a zero-sum game; none of that is the point. Somehow he speaks with markedly less aggression when he continues,]
I don't know what kind of change you're looking for. Or not looking for. I don't know what you think would be worth it. What I do know is that I'm standing on a bridge in the dark and I might as well be talking to the water because I don't think you're really here.
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I am here.
[But it's always a question, always a concern. At night, if he was still awake, he'd hear his door creak open softly a couple of hours after he had gotten into bed. He'd never look to see who it was, Mista or Giorno, but he'd deepen his breaths to create just enough movement to be seen until the door clicked quietly shut again. If the moment were the same as the present but with Giorno instead, he'd already feel an almost childlike grip on his arm by now. Even Bruno sometimes needs reassurances every now and again that he's here.]
[But he is. He is.]
Trust me, I know the difference. Things aren't the same or what they used to be, [they can't be,] but I'm here.
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I don't believe you. Why don't I believe you?
[The words, the literal words make perfect sense. Separately, believing Buccellati knows what he's talking about and knowing things aren't what they used to be are perfectly fine facts, but put together something catches at the back of his mind and won't let go. Abbacchio doesn't want to say he understands the same nebulous feeling of being-dead-but-not-anymore because he doesn't, not in precisely the same way.
But Bruno Buccellati is just a man, and man isn't meant to leave things unacknowledged, leave greater things unsaid. Abbacchio looks at him and wonders when Bruno the man eclipsed Buccellati the leader, the linchpin, the operative. If those can coexist still with nothing the same as before.
Strong-arming him into this conversation isn't kind to either. With Passione as shaken up as it is now, Abbacchio has the abrupt thought that if left for too long, something's going to break without room to restructure itself. That one he can even say he understands. Whatever fractures can't be Bruno, for all of their sake.]
You know I want to believe you. That's a given. But I'm not out here for me, so which one of us are you trying to convince?
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[It happens sometimes. But only sometimes.]
Only one of us is challenging me on it right now and it's not me, Abbacchio.
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So. Fine. He'll concede to "challenging."]
Well, it looks like you're not going to, so it's going to have to be me. Can you answer me without circling around how pissed you are?
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[Bruno isn't being obtuse. They're genuine questions. He's angry. So what? What good is that anger going to do? Talking about it isn't going to make him less angry. It isn't going to change circumstances (past or present) any. Nor is being angry going to help him do what needs doing. He's acknowledge it a handful of times to himself, but that should be enough. He acknowledges it and then he moves on to focus on what's in front of him instead. As far as Bruno is concerned, that's all that needs to happen with his anger.]
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[Yet again, the point isn't that Abbacchio knows. Giorno knows, and look where that's gotten him-- This touch-and-go approach, this roundabout method where they keep dipping into acknowledging anger and whatever else and then leaving it alone is as pointless as not acknowledging it at all. Abbacchio of all people knows what it's like to look something in the face and then leave it alone to resolve itself. It doesn't. It rots there and lingers, making moving forward without it a faraway possibility. Wanting something doesn't make it real.]
Why do you listen to me when I'm being an asshole? Or Giorno when he wants to save the world, or Izabel and whatever weird shit she comes up with? [no offense Izabel] I don't know what's so damn impossible about letting someone do the same thing for you.
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What's so damn impossible... Abbacchio, tell me, who the hell do you think is still keeping us together? [He lifts his head and looks at Abbacchio over his shoulder.] Giorno's supposed to, but he sure as hell isn't. He's barely keeping himself together lately. And who do you think is going to tell him that? Mista agrees to everything and can't find anything wrong with Giorno or his decisions most of the time. You disagree out of spite and nitpick just to keep the petty bullshit grudge you have built up alive and well.
So, who does that leave? [He straightens, leaving his hands on the railing.] Don't misunderstand. I don't resent anyone or the position I'm in. If I did, I wouldn't bother with any of it. But I'm doing what I've always done and now, all of a sudden, each of you want to complain that I'm supposedly not doing enough for myself. You want me to take care of things whether you'd ever say it explicitly or not, but you don't want to trust me to look after myself. You don't want to listen to me when I say there's nothing to worry about because what you think I should be feeling and going doesn't match up to reality. And that's what makes it so damn impossible.
So, yes. If you really want to know, I'm pissed. But I can either be pissed off and continue to be until I can't stand it or anyone, myself included, or I can hold onto what matters, let go of the anger, and keep moving forward.
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Saying it himself is the point. Abbacchio shifts his weight and leans back against the railing as he listens in silence, and he thinks it's lucky, in a backwards way, that it's him standing here instead of one of the others. Abbacchio already knows their family is a mess, even if he's arrived at the right conclusion in the wrong way.
And more importantly--Abbacchio isn't going to apologize or try to defend them. They've all done it, so why act otherwise now? He shrugs, hands palm-up, shaking his head.]
We're a pack of bastards with bad habits-- that's what we've always been. You're not wrong about us. But what you've always done doesn't apply anymore because you died and now things have to change, if you'd actually let them. How the hell can you tell me things aren't the way they were and then insist on doing the same shit you always do?
[Does that make any fucking sense because please, enlighten him if it does. Everything is different now in ways no one, Bruno included, was prepared to deal with, and Bruno isn't excluded from the fallout. This adjustment period is difficult enough without adding that to the mix.
He shifts his shoulders again, tense; there's something else that bothers him about this insistence that Bruno has to keep them together-- that they're all woefully inadequate for the job of keeping Giorno together too. It's not petty, though. It's not. But he looks steadily straight ahead and away from Bruno anyway, as it's not the easiest point to bring up.]
You can't take care of things for us-- for Giorno and Mista if they ever get out of here and go home. And Mista won't do it, [a slight tilt of his head; yeah that's true, Mista is too up Giorno's ass all the time-] so sooner or later Giorno has to deal with his own shit without your help.
[Giorno taking charge in Napoli is not Abbacchio's primary concern, but if they're talking about how Bruno feels some responsibility to lead them even if it's only in subtle ways--well. Stop it, for fuck's sake, since it's led to this. And from what vague details Abbacchio picked up from Izabel just earlier tonight, he's starting to think,] Giorno can't get his act together because you're letting him let you do his job for him.
[That isn't moving forward.]
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[Sure, there are times in which Bruno lets Giorno lean on him. Those moments are not often because Giorno tries to keep his vulnerabilities to himself and both of them recognize fostering that sort of dependency won't do anyone any good in the long run. Bruno knows that and doesn't try to linger or create more instances in which they fall into old habits. But when they come up, Bruno allows for it to happen and so does Giorno.]
[Some of it is selfish in its own way. Bruno doesn't know how to be anything but the leader and the fixer. It's all he's ever been even before Passione. And now... Now sometimes it feels like the only thing he has left. He doesn't have a life or a future to speak of, but he can still help in some capacity. But he also knows that Giorno is missing someone else that's important that would take the space Bruno's temporarily and infrequently occupying. Selfishness aside, Bruno can't simply turn his kindness off. He can't look the other way when someone is blatantly suffering and in need.]
[But other times...]
[Bruno steps closer to Abbacchio.]
It's not that simple and straightforward. Sometimes maybe I do let him rely on me too much. I try not to because I don't mind doing things his way or following his lead, but we both make mistakes in trying to figure what's going to work long-term and what isn't. But letting him let me take the responsibility doesn't account for everything.
Do you really think he and I had a nice chat after you arrived? We argued, Abbacchio, because he deliberately told you what happened and he only told you so much so I'd have to tell the rest. He knew how you'd react--that you'd blame him and get too pissed off to be around him--and he knew I couldn't just let you slip away from the rest of us.
[He holds up a hand.]
If you really want to make the argument that you would have come around eventually on your own while by yourself, or maybe you might have given the time of day to Giorno long enough to try and make it work, and I should have just stayed out of it completely, fine. Maybe you would have if I stayed out of it.
[Bruno doesn't really believe it. It would have taken some form of prodding from Bruno to move Abbacchio along and who knows how much time he'd really need to dig his heels in.]
But I would never risk you on a maybe, Abbacchio.
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It's surprising. Abbacchio blinks and looks at Bruno while he speaks, his brow furrowed. He's been terrible to Giorno and he knows and understands that. Giorno wanted him to get angry--he knows that too, frowning as he remembers Giorno offering to meet him somewhere private, somewhere Abbacchio could get as angry as he wanted and nobody would come around to stop him. But he also remembers telling him in no uncertain terms to fuck off in response to that, to not use Abbacchio as some kind of vehicle for his martyrdom about all that happened before any of them arrived here. So, really, if Giorno wants to try to manipulate them, that's still his own problem.
None of that changes the fact that he has nothing left to say when Bruno is through. All he can come up with is it isn't fair to use that as a defense for being the leader and the fixer all the time - maybe Giorno shouldn't have done what he did in the first place, and things would have gone differently without the need for such hasty restructuring of all their pieces. But things have fallen where they are, and Abbacchio is petty and mean but he isn't a child, so he says nothing.
He was ready to be told he was wrong or at least not completely right. He could have thought of something to say if Bruno had stopped after the implication of his part in the imbalance between Bruno and Giorno right now. Even being put up against the idea that Giorno's problems stem partially from him (and it's true that he's guilty, it is, it is, Giorno fucked up and people died but how better than Giorno is Abbacchio in that regard anyway--) he could have taken. Sheer stubbornness would give him a way to argue that, yes, he would come around without any nudging from Bruno.
But.
'I would never risk you on a maybe.'
He has nothing; he expected a dozen things and none of them were that and he can't think of anything to say to it that actually sounds true. Abruptly he realizes he's been staring at Bruno in silence for too long a pause and looks down at the railing.
Shit.]
This still isn't about me.
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[Bruno draws a slow breath and lets it out on a quiet sigh. Bruno may have a problem of throwing himself too much into others, but Abbacchio has the opposite of excising himself as much as possible. It always seems to take him by complete and utter surprise, regardless of his promises to Bruno, that Bruno would want him there or places any value in him.]
Isn't it? You want me to talk to someone, but...
[He places a hand on Abbacchio's arm. This time when he speaks, he's calm and even, but it's not a veneer of denial. He simply sounds tired.]
I don't know what set you off tonight. It honestly doesn't matter. What matters is you didn't send someone else. [Bruno takes his hand back, resting it on the railing again.] Besides, I wouldn't have said most of what I have to anyone else. Regardless of whether or not they need me to fix things, you know as well as I do they couldn't sit and listen to any of that. They sure as hell wouldn't have been stubborn enough to make me say it in the first place.
[But in all seriousness, as much as they want Bruno to open up, they couldn't stand to hear any of it. In some ways, they do need Bruno still to be as steady as he's always been. He can't be entirely what he once was--it's something he has to learn to cope with as do the others--but they still need him to be reliable and know he's there to fall back on if things get desperate. And ultimately, they wouldn't understand either. There are parts of what Bruno's been through that no one can understand.]
[Abbacchio, however, is able to wait Bruno out. As always, he's pushed and challenged Bruno that the others couldn't have. Bruno thinks if anyone else in the gang had found out the truth, Abbacchio would have been able to handle it. He wouldn't have liked it, but he'd set it aside and kept focused. He'd struggle with it later, but not in the moment. And now... Well, now they're not all that different. They're on far more equal footing than they ever have been in the past with the both of them struggling to find their places within the larger framework. But they know at least one place they belong. So, it's easier with Abbacchio. Easier than it is with Giorno, Mista, or anyone else that might try to talk to him because he shares an understanding with Abbacchio that simply isn't there with the others. Bruno folds his arms again on the railing and leans on it, looking out over the water.]
It's not completely about you, but it's not completely about me either. Whatever happens from this point forward... [Bruno shakes his head a little.] We're in it together, Leone.
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He stands there. He listens. It's strange but half of Bruno's words sound like they must be for someone else, so even though the words are a kind of appraisal, there's a lapse in time before they really sink in, a split-second to think.
Before arriving in this city someone whose forgiveness he can never convince himself he deserves told him he'd done well, that he'd managed to do the right thing finally. The fever dream of a dying man or no (honestly, he can believe only so many things), that's hung over him for weeks now as he wonders if it's true. He still doesn't know. But Bruno, Bruno is here and real, and even if Abbacchio doesn't think he'll ever deserve him either, he's going to try. To believe it or to be someone who doesn't have to convince himself, he's not sure yet--but something else has changed and he's only just realizing it now.
He can move, and lifts his hand to bump the back of it and his knuckles into Bruno's arm. (Honestly he's doing all he can manage in a single day, alright.) He takes a deep breath and breathes it out shortly, the barest suggestion of a laugh.]
You sure? I'm kind of an asshole.
[But he doesn't move his hand away. Bruno is so far ahead of him, but if Abbacchio can touch him like this then he must have done something worth doing to get here. Whatever that is. This.
Each of his promises to Bruno thus far has been focused on following him anywhere. If he's going to try, he can start there. What had Izabel said to him when they met? Something she meant about Giorno, but about someone who can forgive all of your bullshit-- Start there.]
... Buccellati, [but not there, no, apparently not] I'm with you. In this place, or wherever-- it's not "maybe," it's always.
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I know.
[In the same way he knew Abbacchio would show up here eventually, he knows Abbacchio will always be at his side come hell or high water. It's an implicit trust and faith he places in Abbacchio. He looks over his shoulder to meet Abbacchio's eyes again. He gives his hand just a light squeeze.]
I'll be okay.
[It's not a lie this time because he isn't making a concerted effort to makes or to minimize anything. It's the barest of admissions that Bruno isn't okay now. It's a faint hope that he will, indeed, be okay eventually. Because he needs to be. Because he wants to be. He just hasn't figured out how to be yet, how to get there or what it will even look like. And that's been a part of his seemingly endless silence and brush-offs in response to any concern. He hasn't had any words for any of it until now. So, even though the ones he gives Abbacchio now are somewhat vague and nebulous in their shape and meaning, they're better than what he's had since he found himself here.]
[It's a start.]
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He is not going to say a word about that, lest he shatter whatever it is that's inspired Bruno to take his hand. Instead he focuses on the rest; 'I'll be okay.' This one he believes, with everything unsaid backing it. The resolution is a long way off and any number of things can go wrong, and quickly, but if these intangible somethings - Bruno's will to be okay and his own private, uncertain resolve to try - are where they have to start, then that's that.
They still aren't done. But even Abbacchio can see that this is better than spinning wheels and going nowhere. Maybe for now the hows and whens can be left to be worked out in due time.
Or maybe Abbacchio is drained, and the intangibles can't hold his interest quite like the very tangible feel of a hand on his, and there isn't anything he can pick out to argue over in that admission, anyway.]
I know. [I trust you. He considers then adds,] That's probably enough to satisfy the rest if they start in again.
[This is Abbacchio #trying. But honestly, he lacks all of the demand his voice carried in the earlier part of this conversation - that if is important.]
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Let's hope so because I think the next person who asks after my well-being but doesn't accept my answer is getting their mouth zipped shut.
[He's joking.
Mostly.][Having Abbacchio accept things as they are right now, trusting him, and letting it go for now is enough though to smooth over most of Bruno's irritation. He's been aware that he's needed each of those things at some point or another, but he couldn't have predicted how much he needed all of them at once. It doesn't fix everything, of course, but calling it a relief still seems like an understatement.]
[He pushes off the railing. In doing so, he lets their hands lower, but he still hasn't let go.]
I think it's going to be an early night for me. Are you coming?
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All things considered, this moment could be a lot more tense. The only thing that qualifies is Abbacchio's focus zeroing in on their hands as he steps away from the railing himself, but another moment is all it takes for his grip to relax again.]
As riveting as standing out here alone in the dark would be, [he gives the railing one last pat with his free hand, like it's a dear friend that really helped out with this.] I'm ready to go.