Plenty. But I didn't come here to discuss my health, Giorno. [That's the last thing he wants to be talking about right now.] I won't be returning to the coffee shop. I'd recommend keeping your distance from the Spiral and only contact me through the watches or sending Mista.
[A beat.]
He said he'll think about it. It's the best I can do for now.
[It's not something that Bruno is all that stressed about because Abbachio will come around. He's confident of that fact. But for the moment, they are fractured. That doesn't sit well with him.]
[Being spoken to in this way is not something he should really allow. But it doesn't bother him particularly. Bruno is - well. Maybe angry, maybe not, but this isn't the way he would have done things, and Giorno knows it. Deliberately sabotaged it. So there are emotions happening.]
[He just nods serenely and clasps his hands behind his back.]
If you hadn't left, I would have. It's important that you stay with him, just as important that he take all the time he needs. It will turn out in the end, one way or another.
[Giorno is confident of this fact as well. He tilts his head at Bruno slightly, watching him less with caution than with attention.]
I haven't told him anything about your relation to the Joestars. He only knows they're Jotaro's family.
[He looks at Giorno then. It's not something Giorno told Bruno, but something Jotaro provided enough for him to piece together on his own. Bruno doesn't mention it now, however, to throw it in Giorno's face. He's not angry Giorno held that back from him and frankly, it would be beneath Bruno to be so petty. But he knows and won't conceal that knowledge from Giorno.]
As far as I'm concerned, it's up to you whether or not he knows the truth. But if you do intend for him to know, for the sake of giving them a chance, I would give it some time before telling him.
[Otherwise they will carry the burden of Giorno's slights against Abbacchio and there's no way in hell that will settle anytime soon.]
[That's enough to get Giorno's eyebrows to raise, and he nods in acknowledgment, but that's all. He wasn't deliberately hiding this, not the way he was the information about Dio, so the fact that it came out like this doesn't bother him, and he doesn't feel guilty, either.]
I'm still thinking about that. There are a number of things I'm thinking about, secrets that need to be kept and ones that don't. It's a benefit, I suppose, that I'll have the time, now.
[Bruno's eyebrows raise just fractionally at the mention of secrets and which ones should or shouldn't be kept. If he possessed even a fraction less of self-control... But Bruno lets Giorno reach the end of what he has to say. He waits until the what else? and even beyond for a few seconds longer.]
I shouldn't have to say it. That was stupid.
[He can't say that Giorno didn't have the right to tell. He does. Whether Bruno likes it or not, being don places that power in Giorno's hands to say what he likes, to choose who knows what and when. But it was stupid. It was stupid because Abbacchio is already going to be difficult and stubborn, but this has only increased his grudge and resentment towards Giorno tenfold. He didn't die for Giorno's sake. Bruno knows that Abbacchio was prepared to die for the mission, for Bruno. And in one fell swoop, Giorno rewrote the definition of his death. The divides that would have to be overcome deepened.]
[But he berates Giorno with none of this. He knows it already. He simply acted in the face of it and therein lies Bruno's frustration.]
[He nods again - acknowledgment, nothing else. It's short and simple and straightforward, like most things Bruno says. However, unusually, it isn't true.]
You have the right to say whatever you would like to say to me, Bruno. I know you know that - whether you recognize me as don or not, I will always listen to what you have to say, because you almost always have good judgment, and because you will always be the first person I ever trusted.
This time, though, you're wrong. It wasn't stupid. It just wasn't what you would have preferred. It will make things more difficult in the short term, I'm very aware of that and I was aware of it when I did it, but in the long run, I'd much rather be honest with him now than have him living with us assuming that we had given him the whole truth, only to have it come out at some future date, by accident or on purpose.
What if Narancia showed up, Bruno? Or God forbid, Diavolo? Trying to tell the truth in an emergency is impractical and dangerous. He can dislike me, he can hate me, he can blame me, but I will not lie to him. Not about this.
[It's not so much that Bruno ignores the first part of what Giorno is saying. He knows that it's sincere, but the time of its delivery is a poor choice. Bruno knows that Giorno trusts him. He knows that even when they disagree, Giorno will listen because Giorno isn't stupid. But it doesn't change the fact when it came to this matter, he didn't and doesn't trust Bruno.]
[Bruno's judgment isn't clouded by his frustrations. He knows that Giorno doesn't mean for it to be, but it is an insult.]
Don't you think I don't know that? [Why else would Bruno not tell anyone what happened to him in Venezia? Why keep the illusion that Giorno had managed to reach him in time even to the very end of his life? He understands there is a time and place and a crisis is neither of those places.] I've known that man far longer than you, Giorno. This isn't a short term problem you've created. The position you've put me in...
[Bruno shakes his head and looks out over at the water again.]
It's not up to me anymore, Giorno, to keep us together. It confuses things and it divides all of us. But you've put me in this position because you didn't trust me. And that's all you had to do. You didn't have to lie, you just had to trust me.
[He looks at Giorno again. Bruno's anger is beginning to slip out in small ways that he can't quite mask and perhaps isn't exactly bothering to anymore. His gaze on Giorno's hardened, brow furrowed deep. His restraint in keeping his tone in-check, even and relatively calm, is strained to its limits.]
So, allow me to be completely transparent so you have no reason to mistrust me again. When it comes to Abbacchio, I'm not doing any of this for you. I'm doing what I can because I owe that man more than I can ever repay. Whether he comes to accept you or not, I couldn't care less. That's not what's important. He deserves his place in Passione and I will not let his anger and his resentment--that same anger and resentment you provoked by taking ownership of something you have no right to--push him out.
[Giorno watches him. And in watching him, he learns a few things.]
[For one, he learns that he was right. Bruno was going to hide the truth, at least for a while, and that still doesn't sit well with Giorno. He was right, too, in believing that Abbacchio would not allow him to keep lying, and that being near Abbacchio, being with Abbacchio, would crack Bruno just a little bit, just enough, maybe, to make him . . .]
[Well. Suffice it to say that being a really hard-ass fairy godmother has its place in Passione, too.]
[He learns, too, that Bruno was also right. They were both right. In part, he is aware that he was thinking of himself - that it would be fundamentally more difficult to connect with Abbacchio in the future if he started by withholding details, and that, he believes, is true. But Bruno is right, too: this should be for Abbacchio and not for him.]
[Which makes it a strange constellation, really. How to trick a man who doesn't believe he deserves anything into believing he deserves this?]
[Giorno is not, precisely, impassive when he nods a third time. His brow is furrowed slightly. He's listening. But he isn't apologizing.]
You're right. He does.
He deserves his place in Passione and at your side. There is nothing I'd like more than to see . . .
[Which is when he has to swallow, his tongue suddenly thick; swallow and breathe and then continue:]
To see him together with us again. So.
Space is what you have from me now. As much as you'd like for as long as you'd like. That applies to both of you. I will be all right. But if there's anything else, you have that, too. I hope you understand.
[Understand that, despite every single appearance to the contrary, he would burn down heaven and earth for Leone Abbacchio, and then he'd do it all over again.]
[He doesn't expect apologies or concessions from Giorno. He wouldn't. Even when Giorno is willing to make allowances of letting Bruno speak his mind without the song and dance of what is proper and what is Bruno's (supposed) station, he has to hold fast to his decisions.]
[Not that Bruno doesn't want to still hear it, however. It's not out of some childish need to be right that still has Bruno angry and frustrated for a few moments longer. His preferences don't play any part in this. But that Giorno is taking responsibility for what happened, letting Abbacchio be angry with him. That doesn't settle well with Bruno because Giorno has taken on more than enough. He's not perfect, but he doesn't deserve punishing himself over something like that. But he knows Giorno can't help it. Giorno's heart is sometimes too large, too giving and too overflowing with empathy for his own good. Because of that, Bruno can't just tell Giorno that his and death were never Giorno's responsibility and have that be that. They wouldn't be empty words, but they'd fall on deaf ears. Or at the very least, Giorno would never let them actually settle long enough to accept them. So, Bruno doesn't waste his breath says nothing further on the issue.]
[Just like that, Bruno's anger recedes and disappears. Giorno can't help it. It doesn't make it right or make it easier to sit with, but it's easier to be less angry. It makes it far easier to let it go, at any rate, because Bruno won't be a hypocrite about the fractures within their family. He'll do what he can to repair, not deepen them.]
[He wonders if he should push. He's already pushed so much in the past two days; maybe Bruno got sleep, but that doesn't mean he isn't tired, and it doesn't mean he isn't pushing things down that he shouldn't be. It is, in fact, shockingly clear to Giorno in the wake of his own overwhelming reaction to Abbacchio's arrival that they're the same in this way, that they push themselves down in order to make room for other people's feelings, that they disallow themselves certain things for the sake of those around them.]
[Giorno is trying to be better about this, one tiny step at a time. But who is going to push Bruno, who is a natural caregiver? Abbacchio, hopefully (thank God for Abbacchio, damn him, thank God for Abbacchio), but maybe him, too.]
[He sighs and looks out at the ocean. There are seagulls in the distance - maybe seagulls, probably seagulls. His voice is so soft it almost disappears beneath the sound of the waves.]
[For a brief moment, Bruno doesn't know what to say to that. He's not at all tempted to say that he hasn't been angry. Bruno's never been a blatant liar even if he has the tendency to omit and mask. But Bruno's emotions have almost always been his own private affair. Not things that he spends a great deal of time on--because there are far more important things he can be doing with his time and energy--but they are still his. And Giorno today seems very intent on moving in on what few things Bruno has managed to keep selfishly to himself.]
[After that brief moment, Bruno moves his gaze away from Giorno and back to the water. He squelches any defensiveness that arises.]
And what does being angry do for any of us? I can disagree with you without being angry. Anyway, those decisions are in your hands now and not mine to challenge. [Question them maybe, but it's not up to Bruno to tell Giorno what to do anymore. So in the end, when it comes to Giorno's decisions, Bruno doesn't necessarily have to like it. He just has to find a way to be okay with it. So, he pushes himself to be, relying on his trust in Giorno to get him there.] My attention is better placed trying to get Abbacchio back than being pissed with you or arguing about what's already been done.
[It's a good question. What does being angry actually do? Giorno doesn't get angry often, so it's not something he's had to consider very much. But anger, like grief, is something that you can't just wish away or pretend doesn't exist.]
[Besides, Bruno was angry. He disagreed and he was angry. Whatever he is now is some artificial state of unfeeling, and that's something Giorno can't quite accept in the same way he can't accept lying to Abbacchio, in the same way he knows that Bruno's life after his first encounter with King Crimson was, in some way, false, that he died then and Giorno never really brought him back at all.]
Things like anger . . . and grief, and regret. Those are the things that make us human. They're the things that prove that we're alive.
[That, he thinks, is what anger does. Isn't that reason enough?]
[He's projecting. That's Bruno's first thought and instinct. And why wouldn't he? It's not as though Giorno has had the space here or back home to process. What time was there? If he didn't rise to take over Passione, someone else would have, and God only knows if they might have been worse than Diavolo. He had to push his feelings back and attend immediately to business, to projecting that image of a competent and untouchable don that bore no weaknesses.]
[But that Giorno is projecting is only half of the truth. The calm neutrality that Bruno is presenting now is a practiced image. It's not one that he's completely fabricated, but that doesn't mean it's always a true reflection of his inner-workings either. Bruno's jaw tightens and relaxes, a single ripple over otherwise still waters. He feels that increasingly familiar urge to reach out for his pulse because that choice of words--they're the things that prove that we're alive--was no coincidence. Giorno has been and is still pushing too much for that to slip past Bruno's notice, especially now when he's cleared his head of otherwise disorienting anger and whatever else.]
[But he doesn't move so much as a muscle to feel for his pulse. That feels too much like an admission, like surrender. Of and to what this might be, Bruno doesn't know and he's not about to try and figure that out here and now in front of Giorno. He can't quite stop his attention from drifting towards his own breath, in and out, but he keeps his hands still.]
Things that prove you are alive.
[Even when placing emphasis on his correction, emotion doesn't creep even into the edges of Bruno's words. There's no even a touch of bitterness or spite. There's not even a trace of regret or despair. It's a simple correction delivered in a patient way one might correct a child on their school lessons when they've confused facts.]
Nothing has changed, Giorno. You might not want to, but you need to accept that. Whatever this is, it's temporary at best.
[Bruno's time came and went. Being here cannot and does not change that fact, no matter how much Giorno may want it to.]
[...]
[...No matter how much Bruno may want it to sometimes beneath that calm veneer and the storm of anxieties he must silence nearly every day.]
[He was . . . sort of expecting that. As soon as he said it - no, before he said it - he knew that this was one of the ways this might turn out. It's not fair, certainly, that he's treating this conversation like a chess game, planning out moves for all eventualities, but that's simply how it is. Bruno's unwillingness to take care of himself is--]
[It's dangerous, isn't it? For all of them. They need him, whether he thinks they do or not. If he weren't there, they would all survive, but since he is here, it's vitally imperative that he take care of himself as well as the rest of them. If he's going to be here, if he's going to be alive with them, he's going to have to be safe.]
[This isn't safety. This, this numbness - it's a good way to get yourself hurt and not even notice it, because you don't allow yourself to notice anything.]
[Which isn't to say hearing it out loud isn't excruciating. The ever-so-slight emphasis on that correction, you, it feels like someone's reached into his chest and pulled out his heart. But that's okay, maybe. Maybe that's his job, maybe that's part of what being don is, that you have extra hearts tucked away, that you get all the chances and carry all the pain and suffer for your people so that maybe they can suffer just a little bit less.]
[He'd be so happy if that was something he could do. For Mista, for Bruno, for Abbacchio. It's right.]
Every minute of every day that I spend with you changes me, Bruno. That's what happens when you're with family.
[Dead or alive - in that sense, it doesn't matter. He wouldn't tell Izabel that her existence here didn't matter, or Kakyoin. Only himself. He is the only exception.]
[Giorno will not allow that for much longer.]
[He rests his hand lightly at the back of Bruno's upper arm, squeezing lightly. It's a similar gesture to the one he made by accident a few weeks ago, when he was telling secrets. You're walking with a dead man, Bruno had said, and it scared him so much. But it just isn't true.]
[He won't push anymore, he thinks. Not today. But he won't let himself be scared of a lie anymore, either.]
[Giorno has no way of knowing it. Bruno keeps these things to himself too much for Giorno to know. But he's given voice exactly to one of Bruno's fears.]
[There's never been any doubt in Bruno's mind that some day, Giorno will go back. Giorno has a way of finding his place, where he is meant and supposed to be. This will be no exception. But there is no going back for Bruno. There's this and there's oblivion. (The latter does not terrify him in the least. If anything, there's something oddly comforting about know what exactly awaits him on the other side of this place rather than having to stare down an unknown element.) But Giorno is returning to a life that comes with responsibilities and dangers that he has to be always prepared to handle. One misstep may not only mean his demise, but that of Trish, Mista, and anyone else who swore loyalty and meant it. Bruno holding any influence over Giorno and Giorno holding onto his attachments to Bruno disrupts Giorno's natural growth, the path he is meant to walk.]
[Bruno recognizes there's the potential that it's a good thing or at least parts of it can be good. He trusts his own instincts and has been at the business of looking after others for a long time now, after all. But it's a fine line--perhaps finer than Giorno wants to recognize--between being helpful and fostering responsibility over and dependency with someone who is no longer there and cannot matter in the same way anymore.]
[But, of course, Bruno gives no voice to these concerns himself. He sits with them on his own even as Giorno places a hand on the back of his arm. Even as Bruno covers that hand with one of his own because just a couple months ago, he wouldn't have been aware of the touch at all. Because Giorno touches him more frequently lately as little reminders that Bruno is there. He touches back for Giorno, his hand falling away before it can become self-indulgent.]
I'd like to see this family whole again.
[Even if only for a little while.]
I can't make any guarantees or promises that Abbacchio will stop blaming you or learn to forgive you. But if he's going to stop resenting you, you have to stop giving him permission. [He looks over at Giorno again finally.] To do that, you're going to have to stop blaming yourself as much.
[He has no way of knowing what Bruno is thinking. Of course he doesn't. He's powerful, but not omnipotent; he can't know that, no matter how much he might want to. What he does know is that Bruno is vulnerable right now, vulnerable and angry, no matter how much he might want to paint himself otherwise. If he were a crueller person, he could probably crack him open with very little effort.]
[But this is enough for today. This, for this moment, after everything that's happened, is enough. He squeezes Bruno's arm again, meets his eyes, and nods, because - it's true. They were both right. And there's nothing more important than family, is there?]
Would you believe me if I said that I was trying? That I'm doing better than I was.
[Which is the truth. He is trying, every day, so hard.]
[Bruno says this easily with a small nod. Even if he wasn't trying, time would allow for him to do better. Time doesn't heal all wounds as the old saying goes, but it certainly makes it easier to bear them after a while.]
[But he believes Giorno when he says he's trying. Trying doesn't mean getting it right or not making mistakes. It simply means trying. It would be ideal for him to get it right the first time, to absolve himself of the guilt and blame he carries that he doesn't need to, but everyone must start somewhere.]
The space is for your sake, too, you know. Until it gets easier.
[Abbacchio may more blatantly need the space, but that doesn't mean Giorno didn't need time to adjust himself. It's not a one-way relationship where Abbacchio needs to learn to cope with the changes to the hierarchy. Giorno needs time to settle into having someone who will blatantly disagree (admittedly sometimes out of childish pettiness) and how to listen without patronizing or getting wrapped up in the emotions behind it.]
[That actually manages to take him by surprise. To his credit, he realizes as soon as it does that it shouldn't have - that the assumption that he doesn't need time to settle into a reality that contains Abbacchio again is another example of him blaming himself, really, refusing to allow himself space to grieve.]
[He told Abbacchio that it was good to see him again. He meant that. It's good to see him, even though it hurts. He can't tell if Abbacchio is angry about that because he thinks it's a lie or because he thinks it's true.]
[He breathes in sharply, out through his nose, then nods, letting his hand fall back to his side.]
Thank you. I . . . [Well. Why lie?] I think I needed to hear that.
[Because he is hurt. He is grieving. He does need time to heal, even if it's quietly and subtly and in his own way. Just because they're different, so different, doesn't mean that none of their needs overlap.]
Mista will take care of me. Like he always does.
[He glances at Bruno then, tips his chin up with a mix of hope and certainty in his eyes, and his expression says And you will take care of Abbacchio, like you always do.]
[There are a number of things Giorno probably needs to hear, Bruno muses. He acts the part of a man and does well at it, but he is still a boy at the end of the day. It's that particular fact that Giorno forgets with a great deal of frequency as does everyone in Bruno's team. It's safer, usually, for them to avoid it and think of themselves as men. It's far more empowering to buy into the image of someone who is capable and strong until it becomes tangible. Most of the time, Bruno is content to allow this to rest. But Giorno must be more self-aware, more mindful of himself than others with his position because others certainly will be.]
[As for when it comes to Abbacchio's well-being, Giorno doesn't have much to worry about so long as Bruno is there. But Bruno doesn't bother making promises for givens. Instead, his lips curve just ever so slightly in faint amusement.]
As I'm sure he won't hesitate to tell me himself when I speak to him again.
[Never let it be said that Mista isn't fully aware of what he's supposed to do and damn proud of it.]
[He is learning. He is trying. But there are only so many steps you can take at once before you trip over yourself. So he tries and tries, but he doesn't reach perfection immediately - and because of who he is, that frustrates him. He tries to act like a man, a leader, and most of the time he does very well, but not always; that frustrates him, too.]
[Someday he'll allow himself to be imperfect. Until then, he needs reminders.]
I think he forgets that it's my job to take care of him, too.
Well, you know Mista. His attention is sometimes a little difficult to maintain on more than one thing at a time. [Which can be both a good and bad thing. And more often than not at least mildly entertaining.] As long as you don't forget, that's what will matter the most.
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[A beat.]
He said he'll think about it. It's the best I can do for now.
[It's not something that Bruno is all that stressed about because Abbachio will come around. He's confident of that fact. But for the moment, they are fractured. That doesn't sit well with him.]
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[He just nods serenely and clasps his hands behind his back.]
If you hadn't left, I would have. It's important that you stay with him, just as important that he take all the time he needs. It will turn out in the end, one way or another.
[Giorno is confident of this fact as well. He tilts his head at Bruno slightly, watching him less with caution than with attention.]
What else?
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[He looks at Giorno then. It's not something Giorno told Bruno, but something Jotaro provided enough for him to piece together on his own. Bruno doesn't mention it now, however, to throw it in Giorno's face. He's not angry Giorno held that back from him and frankly, it would be beneath Bruno to be so petty. But he knows and won't conceal that knowledge from Giorno.]
As far as I'm concerned, it's up to you whether or not he knows the truth. But if you do intend for him to know, for the sake of giving them a chance, I would give it some time before telling him.
[Otherwise they will carry the burden of Giorno's slights against Abbacchio and there's no way in hell that will settle anytime soon.]
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I'm still thinking about that. There are a number of things I'm thinking about, secrets that need to be kept and ones that don't. It's a benefit, I suppose, that I'll have the time, now.
So. What else?
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I shouldn't have to say it. That was stupid.
[He can't say that Giorno didn't have the right to tell. He does. Whether Bruno likes it or not, being don places that power in Giorno's hands to say what he likes, to choose who knows what and when. But it was stupid. It was stupid because Abbacchio is already going to be difficult and stubborn, but this has only increased his grudge and resentment towards Giorno tenfold. He didn't die for Giorno's sake. Bruno knows that Abbacchio was prepared to die for the mission, for Bruno. And in one fell swoop, Giorno rewrote the definition of his death. The divides that would have to be overcome deepened.]
[But he berates Giorno with none of this. He knows it already. He simply acted in the face of it and therein lies Bruno's frustration.]
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You have the right to say whatever you would like to say to me, Bruno. I know you know that - whether you recognize me as don or not, I will always listen to what you have to say, because you almost always have good judgment, and because you will always be the first person I ever trusted.
This time, though, you're wrong. It wasn't stupid. It just wasn't what you would have preferred. It will make things more difficult in the short term, I'm very aware of that and I was aware of it when I did it, but in the long run, I'd much rather be honest with him now than have him living with us assuming that we had given him the whole truth, only to have it come out at some future date, by accident or on purpose.
What if Narancia showed up, Bruno? Or God forbid, Diavolo? Trying to tell the truth in an emergency is impractical and dangerous. He can dislike me, he can hate me, he can blame me, but I will not lie to him. Not about this.
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[Bruno's judgment isn't clouded by his frustrations. He knows that Giorno doesn't mean for it to be, but it is an insult.]
Don't you think I don't know that? [Why else would Bruno not tell anyone what happened to him in Venezia? Why keep the illusion that Giorno had managed to reach him in time even to the very end of his life? He understands there is a time and place and a crisis is neither of those places.] I've known that man far longer than you, Giorno. This isn't a short term problem you've created. The position you've put me in...
[Bruno shakes his head and looks out over at the water again.]
It's not up to me anymore, Giorno, to keep us together. It confuses things and it divides all of us. But you've put me in this position because you didn't trust me. And that's all you had to do. You didn't have to lie, you just had to trust me.
[He looks at Giorno again. Bruno's anger is beginning to slip out in small ways that he can't quite mask and perhaps isn't exactly bothering to anymore. His gaze on Giorno's hardened, brow furrowed deep. His restraint in keeping his tone in-check, even and relatively calm, is strained to its limits.]
So, allow me to be completely transparent so you have no reason to mistrust me again. When it comes to Abbacchio, I'm not doing any of this for you. I'm doing what I can because I owe that man more than I can ever repay. Whether he comes to accept you or not, I couldn't care less. That's not what's important. He deserves his place in Passione and I will not let his anger and his resentment--that same anger and resentment you provoked by taking ownership of something you have no right to--push him out.
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[For one, he learns that he was right. Bruno was going to hide the truth, at least for a while, and that still doesn't sit well with Giorno. He was right, too, in believing that Abbacchio would not allow him to keep lying, and that being near Abbacchio, being with Abbacchio, would crack Bruno just a little bit, just enough, maybe, to make him . . .]
[Well. Suffice it to say that being a really hard-ass fairy godmother has its place in Passione, too.]
[He learns, too, that Bruno was also right. They were both right. In part, he is aware that he was thinking of himself - that it would be fundamentally more difficult to connect with Abbacchio in the future if he started by withholding details, and that, he believes, is true. But Bruno is right, too: this should be for Abbacchio and not for him.]
[Which makes it a strange constellation, really. How to trick a man who doesn't believe he deserves anything into believing he deserves this?]
[Giorno is not, precisely, impassive when he nods a third time. His brow is furrowed slightly. He's listening. But he isn't apologizing.]
You're right. He does.
He deserves his place in Passione and at your side. There is nothing I'd like more than to see . . .
[Which is when he has to swallow, his tongue suddenly thick; swallow and breathe and then continue:]
To see him together with us again. So.
Space is what you have from me now. As much as you'd like for as long as you'd like. That applies to both of you. I will be all right. But if there's anything else, you have that, too. I hope you understand.
[Understand that, despite every single appearance to the contrary, he would burn down heaven and earth for Leone Abbacchio, and then he'd do it all over again.]
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[Not that Bruno doesn't want to still hear it, however. It's not out of some childish need to be right that still has Bruno angry and frustrated for a few moments longer. His preferences don't play any part in this. But that Giorno is taking responsibility for what happened, letting Abbacchio be angry with him. That doesn't settle well with Bruno because Giorno has taken on more than enough. He's not perfect, but he doesn't deserve punishing himself over something like that. But he knows Giorno can't help it. Giorno's heart is sometimes too large, too giving and too overflowing with empathy for his own good. Because of that, Bruno can't just tell Giorno that his and death were never Giorno's responsibility and have that be that. They wouldn't be empty words, but they'd fall on deaf ears. Or at the very least, Giorno would never let them actually settle long enough to accept them. So, Bruno doesn't waste his breath says nothing further on the issue.]
[Just like that, Bruno's anger recedes and disappears. Giorno can't help it. It doesn't make it right or make it easier to sit with, but it's easier to be less angry. It makes it far easier to let it go, at any rate, because Bruno won't be a hypocrite about the fractures within their family. He'll do what he can to repair, not deepen them.]
I'll let you know if anything changes.
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[He wonders if he should push. He's already pushed so much in the past two days; maybe Bruno got sleep, but that doesn't mean he isn't tired, and it doesn't mean he isn't pushing things down that he shouldn't be. It is, in fact, shockingly clear to Giorno in the wake of his own overwhelming reaction to Abbacchio's arrival that they're the same in this way, that they push themselves down in order to make room for other people's feelings, that they disallow themselves certain things for the sake of those around them.]
[Giorno is trying to be better about this, one tiny step at a time. But who is going to push Bruno, who is a natural caregiver? Abbacchio, hopefully (thank God for Abbacchio, damn him, thank God for Abbacchio), but maybe him, too.]
[He sighs and looks out at the ocean. There are seagulls in the distance - maybe seagulls, probably seagulls. His voice is so soft it almost disappears beneath the sound of the waves.]
There's nothing wrong with being angry, Bruno.
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[After that brief moment, Bruno moves his gaze away from Giorno and back to the water. He squelches any defensiveness that arises.]
And what does being angry do for any of us? I can disagree with you without being angry. Anyway, those decisions are in your hands now and not mine to challenge. [Question them maybe, but it's not up to Bruno to tell Giorno what to do anymore. So in the end, when it comes to Giorno's decisions, Bruno doesn't necessarily have to like it. He just has to find a way to be okay with it. So, he pushes himself to be, relying on his trust in Giorno to get him there.] My attention is better placed trying to get Abbacchio back than being pissed with you or arguing about what's already been done.
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[Besides, Bruno was angry. He disagreed and he was angry. Whatever he is now is some artificial state of unfeeling, and that's something Giorno can't quite accept in the same way he can't accept lying to Abbacchio, in the same way he knows that Bruno's life after his first encounter with King Crimson was, in some way, false, that he died then and Giorno never really brought him back at all.]
Things like anger . . . and grief, and regret. Those are the things that make us human. They're the things that prove that we're alive.
[That, he thinks, is what anger does. Isn't that reason enough?]
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[But that Giorno is projecting is only half of the truth. The calm neutrality that Bruno is presenting now is a practiced image. It's not one that he's completely fabricated, but that doesn't mean it's always a true reflection of his inner-workings either. Bruno's jaw tightens and relaxes, a single ripple over otherwise still waters. He feels that increasingly familiar urge to reach out for his pulse because that choice of words--they're the things that prove that we're alive--was no coincidence. Giorno has been and is still pushing too much for that to slip past Bruno's notice, especially now when he's cleared his head of otherwise disorienting anger and whatever else.]
[But he doesn't move so much as a muscle to feel for his pulse. That feels too much like an admission, like surrender. Of and to what this might be, Bruno doesn't know and he's not about to try and figure that out here and now in front of Giorno. He can't quite stop his attention from drifting towards his own breath, in and out, but he keeps his hands still.]
Things that prove you are alive.
[Even when placing emphasis on his correction, emotion doesn't creep even into the edges of Bruno's words. There's no even a touch of bitterness or spite. There's not even a trace of regret or despair. It's a simple correction delivered in a patient way one might correct a child on their school lessons when they've confused facts.]
Nothing has changed, Giorno. You might not want to, but you need to accept that. Whatever this is, it's temporary at best.
[Bruno's time came and went. Being here cannot and does not change that fact, no matter how much Giorno may want it to.]
[...]
[...No matter how much Bruno may want it to sometimes beneath that calm veneer and the storm of anxieties he must silence nearly every day.]
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[It's dangerous, isn't it? For all of them. They need him, whether he thinks they do or not. If he weren't there, they would all survive, but since he is here, it's vitally imperative that he take care of himself as well as the rest of them. If he's going to be here, if he's going to be alive with them, he's going to have to be safe.]
[This isn't safety. This, this numbness - it's a good way to get yourself hurt and not even notice it, because you don't allow yourself to notice anything.]
[Which isn't to say hearing it out loud isn't excruciating. The ever-so-slight emphasis on that correction, you, it feels like someone's reached into his chest and pulled out his heart. But that's okay, maybe. Maybe that's his job, maybe that's part of what being don is, that you have extra hearts tucked away, that you get all the chances and carry all the pain and suffer for your people so that maybe they can suffer just a little bit less.]
[He'd be so happy if that was something he could do. For Mista, for Bruno, for Abbacchio. It's right.]
Every minute of every day that I spend with you changes me, Bruno. That's what happens when you're with family.
[Dead or alive - in that sense, it doesn't matter. He wouldn't tell Izabel that her existence here didn't matter, or Kakyoin. Only himself. He is the only exception.]
[Giorno will not allow that for much longer.]
[He rests his hand lightly at the back of Bruno's upper arm, squeezing lightly. It's a similar gesture to the one he made by accident a few weeks ago, when he was telling secrets. You're walking with a dead man, Bruno had said, and it scared him so much. But it just isn't true.]
[He won't push anymore, he thinks. Not today. But he won't let himself be scared of a lie anymore, either.]
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[There's never been any doubt in Bruno's mind that some day, Giorno will go back. Giorno has a way of finding his place, where he is meant and supposed to be. This will be no exception. But there is no going back for Bruno. There's this and there's oblivion. (The latter does not terrify him in the least. If anything, there's something oddly comforting about know what exactly awaits him on the other side of this place rather than having to stare down an unknown element.) But Giorno is returning to a life that comes with responsibilities and dangers that he has to be always prepared to handle. One misstep may not only mean his demise, but that of Trish, Mista, and anyone else who swore loyalty and meant it. Bruno holding any influence over Giorno and Giorno holding onto his attachments to Bruno disrupts Giorno's natural growth, the path he is meant to walk.]
[Bruno recognizes there's the potential that it's a good thing or at least parts of it can be good. He trusts his own instincts and has been at the business of looking after others for a long time now, after all. But it's a fine line--perhaps finer than Giorno wants to recognize--between being helpful and fostering responsibility over and dependency with someone who is no longer there and cannot matter in the same way anymore.]
[But, of course, Bruno gives no voice to these concerns himself. He sits with them on his own even as Giorno places a hand on the back of his arm. Even as Bruno covers that hand with one of his own because just a couple months ago, he wouldn't have been aware of the touch at all. Because Giorno touches him more frequently lately as little reminders that Bruno is there. He touches back for Giorno, his hand falling away before it can become self-indulgent.]
I'd like to see this family whole again.
[Even if only for a little while.]
I can't make any guarantees or promises that Abbacchio will stop blaming you or learn to forgive you. But if he's going to stop resenting you, you have to stop giving him permission. [He looks over at Giorno again finally.] To do that, you're going to have to stop blaming yourself as much.
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[But this is enough for today. This, for this moment, after everything that's happened, is enough. He squeezes Bruno's arm again, meets his eyes, and nods, because - it's true. They were both right. And there's nothing more important than family, is there?]
Would you believe me if I said that I was trying? That I'm doing better than I was.
[Which is the truth. He is trying, every day, so hard.]
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[Bruno says this easily with a small nod. Even if he wasn't trying, time would allow for him to do better. Time doesn't heal all wounds as the old saying goes, but it certainly makes it easier to bear them after a while.]
[But he believes Giorno when he says he's trying. Trying doesn't mean getting it right or not making mistakes. It simply means trying. It would be ideal for him to get it right the first time, to absolve himself of the guilt and blame he carries that he doesn't need to, but everyone must start somewhere.]
The space is for your sake, too, you know. Until it gets easier.
[Abbacchio may more blatantly need the space, but that doesn't mean Giorno didn't need time to adjust himself. It's not a one-way relationship where Abbacchio needs to learn to cope with the changes to the hierarchy. Giorno needs time to settle into having someone who will blatantly disagree (admittedly sometimes out of childish pettiness) and how to listen without patronizing or getting wrapped up in the emotions behind it.]
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[He told Abbacchio that it was good to see him again. He meant that. It's good to see him, even though it hurts. He can't tell if Abbacchio is angry about that because he thinks it's a lie or because he thinks it's true.]
[He breathes in sharply, out through his nose, then nods, letting his hand fall back to his side.]
Thank you. I . . . [Well. Why lie?] I think I needed to hear that.
[Because he is hurt. He is grieving. He does need time to heal, even if it's quietly and subtly and in his own way. Just because they're different, so different, doesn't mean that none of their needs overlap.]
Mista will take care of me. Like he always does.
[He glances at Bruno then, tips his chin up with a mix of hope and certainty in his eyes, and his expression says And you will take care of Abbacchio, like you always do.]
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[As for when it comes to Abbacchio's well-being, Giorno doesn't have much to worry about so long as Bruno is there. But Bruno doesn't bother making promises for givens. Instead, his lips curve just ever so slightly in faint amusement.]
As I'm sure he won't hesitate to tell me himself when I speak to him again.
[Never let it be said that Mista isn't fully aware of what he's supposed to do and damn proud of it.]
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[Someday he'll allow himself to be imperfect. Until then, he needs reminders.]
I think he forgets that it's my job to take care of him, too.
[There's a common theme here, one might notice.]
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Well, you know Mista. His attention is sometimes a little difficult to maintain on more than one thing at a time. [Which can be both a good and bad thing. And more often than not at least mildly entertaining.] As long as you don't forget, that's what will matter the most.