[It's difficult to listen to this. It's hard and it hurts, but he has to listen to it anyway - not for Bruno, or not just for Bruno, but for himself, because these are things he needs to hear. Just like last night he wanted to reach for Mista and took the hard way instead, because it was the right way, because he needed it. Healing hurts, sometimes.]
[So he listens, and he doesn't bother to hide the way he winces at certain parts - at peace, happy, nothing to forgive. Not because they're bad, but because they're overwhelming. One hand falls to his side, fingers curling in the sand; after a few moments, he nods.]
I appreciate you saying that. I think that . . . if there's one thing about the entire situation that I'm proud of, besides getting rid of Diavolo, besides keeping Mista and Trish safe, it's that. That you were able to find peace. That you were able to be happy, even if it was only for a few minutes.
At the same time - Izabel asked me if I was happy, if it was worth it, and I told her the truth: that I am sometimes, a lot of the time, that I love my life and my work and I love Mista and Trish with all of myself, but there's nothing in the world worth losing you. Any of you. And Abbacchio wasn't happy. And Narancia wasn't ready. In the end, what I wanted was to keep my family safe, and I wasn't able to do that.
[Another sigh, soft and almost muffled in the sound of the wind. He brushes a few stray hairs off of his face and looks out at the ocean.]
That wouldn't have been my first goal when I met you. It would have been a priority, but not the first one. I learned to connect, and that was good, but I never really learned how to let go. There was never anyone I cared about to let go of before.
[All of this is dancing around the point, of course. It's important, but it's not why he came here. And he doesn't want to lie, even by omission, so he looks at Bruno again and drops his chin slightly, not in submission but in acknowledgment of a mistake made.]
You know what I am by nature - that when I love people, when I want the best for them, I want to rearrange their lives to make them happy. As though they're dolls; as though I have some right to their memories or their pain or their connections. That is wrong, whether I mean it to be or not.
I'd like to apologize to you, if you're ready to hear an apology. But if you're not, I understand.
[Bruno wouldn't have expected another answer from Giorno to that question. He can find happiness when it's presented to him. He's not the sort of person to reject it even in the face of loss. But that doesn't mean he's content with the sacrifices that had to be made for him to get where he is to completely ignore their existence. He still carries some of the burden of the losses as they are his family. Bruno feels it, too. Even with Abbacchio here, the weight of his death settles on his shoulders. Sometimes it's a little less noticeable when he's in Abbacchio's company, but not always. And Narancia... That's not something that Bruno thinks will ever stop eating at him.]
[So, in the end, it's not something Bruno feels the need to try and correct because he can't tell Giorno how to heal when he still hasn't quite figured it out himself. And it's not something he'd particularly want to change about Giorno right now anyway. Especially not when Giorno is being honest about and aware of himself. He's right in that his intentions are good. But that doesn't negate the fact what he does is wrong. Were his intentions any less than they are, it would not bode well for anyone, Giorno included. He can't and shouldn't be sheltered from feelings like this. He needs to learn that not everything about loving another person is good. Love, for all the good that it brings and does for someone, also comes with a great deal of pain. Bruno believes in Giorno, however. He believes that Giorno is strong enough.]
It will depend on what exactly you're apologizing for.
[Bruno can guess though at this point from the direction of the conversation; he nods for Giorno to go ahead.]
[He takes a moment before he speaks to gather his thoughts. It's true - not everything about loving another person is good. He doesn't know that, not know it in his bones like most people do, because up until very recently he didn't love anyone, not even himself. He never had anyone he'd kill for before, not until he met Bruno, never had someone he'd fight off men twice his size for. He didn't have a father he would die for.]
[Maybe he does now. But saying that won't help at all, and it isn't an apology. So he chooses to explain it a different way.]
I want to apologize for telling Abbacchio what it was your right to tell him. But more than that - I want to apologize for getting involved in something that isn't mine at all, in any way. Something that was there before I came along, something that will be there when I'm gone.
[For another moment he pauses, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks back at Bruno, serious and unsmiling.]
I was talking to Jotaro, and he said . . . there were things he didn't want to tell me because I would take them on as my responsibility. I told him he was right to do that, because he perceives some thing about me more clearly than I do, and I told him about what I told Abbacchio, too. So he asked me if you needed to be protected from Abbacchio - as a hypothetical, you understand, because he knew the answer would be no; he just wanted to understand why I thought I had to step in.
. . . I got so angry so quickly, I didn't even have time to realize he'd framed it as a hypothetical, something meant to alert me to a possible mistake. I just lost my temper. It was stupid. It could've been deadly stupid, if it were a different situation with someone less trustworthy. And I believe it was selfish, too, because I prioritized my fear of instability, of losing one or both of you, over doing what a leader should do and trusting you both to sort it out yourselves.
You were right. I had no right to take even the slightest ownership of either of your deaths, or of the sacrifices you made to protect the rest of us. It was unfair and unkind and unnecessary, because no matter what, I know - I do know - that the two of you will support each other in the end.
Being a leader is about more than ensuring the safety of the people you're leading. It's about more than control. It's about trusting those closest to you to make choices that are right, and offering help if it's asked for, but only if it's asked for. You've both more than proven yourselves to me, and Abbacchio's position in Passione should not be contingent on whether or not he's angry with me. It's his home; I should never have been careless enough to jeopardize it.
So I'm sorry for being a poor leader to both of you in all those ways, and if you'll allow me - now or in the future - I'd like to be the kind of leader you can trust. And the kind of friend you can trust, as well.
[Bruno knew that sooner or later, Giorno would see what he did from Bruno's (and somewhat Abbacchio's) perspective. He'd have to decide for himself then if he made the right decision or if he had made a mistake in his decisions. Bruno couldn't rush the process. He couldn't make his case more than he had all those weeks ago. That's exactly why he didn't belabor the point and why he didn't hold onto his anger. Giorno couldn't see those things then, but he sees them now. And he's come around to the side that Bruno hoped he would. He didn't like entertaining the thought that Giorno would see that good intentions outweighed the means.]
Neither one of us handled the situation well, Giorno. You need to be able to think for yourself, and I need to... [Stop being Buccellati sometimes.] I need to let go sometimes.
[He'll never let Giorno make catastrophic mistakes. He knows he doesn't need to say that. Giorno knows well enough that there are some things Bruno won't stand for and won't allow.]
We both walk a fine line.
It's easy for you to fall into the habit of letting confidence turn into arrogance because you've had to rely on your own abilities for so much longer than you've had to answer to anyone else as a superior or subordinate. It's easy for me to push everything else aside to fix and protect because it's what I've been doing since I was less than even half your age.
I think it's less that either one of us needs to be someone the other can trust. You already are the sort of leader and friend I trust with my life without question, Giorno, and I already know the trust you've been willing to place in my hands. What we need to do is actually trust the other enough to listen and talk openly even when it's difficult. Otherwise, you won't listen to someone who is disagreeing with you and I won't let you lead as you're supposed to.
[Bruno isn't so arrogant to say that his relationship to Giorno is the only one that matters. But there's very little denying that it carries a lot of weight with it outside of just Bruno and Giorno. Abbacchio was right. Confusion and fracturing between them trickles down to the rest. What happened before... They need to find their balance with one another and hold to it instead of Giorno holding too tightly to his decisions or Bruno holding too close to the idea that he has to be the one to do everything as the leader he isn't any longer.]
I won't apologize for getting angry with you. What you did was wrong and I'm glad you see that now. But I'm sorry for trying to hide my anger from you and not trusting you to be able to take it for the sake of trying to keep the peace. That wasn't what you needed from me. [There's a small pause as he starts to raise his thermos to his lips.] It wasn't what I needed either.
[Only after he's said that he is when he takes a drink of his coffee.]
[It's such a small thing, but all the same - he can't keep a shocked smile from spreading across his face. It's a small thing for most people, but for Bruno it's huge, and he's proud, really proud, of Bruno and Abbacchio for being exactly who they are, two of his favorite people in the whole world, his famiglia.]
[He thinks I'm really happy, but doesn't say it; it's not the time or the place. Maybe it's obvious, all the same. His wonderful family.]
I'm glad you got angry with me. It made me start thinking. And I'm glad you stayed angry even though I didn't listen right then. I wouldn't have gotten to this place without you telling me I was wrong. And . . .
I'm glad that he's here for you, and you're here for him. It wouldn't be right otherwise.
No, it wouldn't, [Bruno agrees with light amusement because the only person that isn't always completely obvious to is Abbacchio. Abbacchio knows, but it still manages to take him by surprise.]
I don't think he likes the idea of you being the leader, [Bruno doesn't anticipate that Abbacchio ever will, and he may still stubbornly only offer absolute loyalty to Bruno,] but his anger has passed. I think he's ready. Or nearly ready.
[But Bruno won't tell Giorno how to approach Abbacchio or if he should at all. He'll leave that up to him to decide for himself. Just as Giorno needs to leave matters between Bruno and Abbacchio to Bruno and Abbacchio, Bruno needs to leave matters between Giorno and Abbacchio to the two of them.]
[Giorno just kind of shrugs, like "eh, what can you do".]
I understand that. I've understood that for a while, really. And ordinarily that would be a problem, but I think for the people who were yours originally - they're always going to be yours. And that's all right. They're more important than allegiance to me. It's not about power, it's about making sure they're safe and secure. And happy, ideally.
[Although they're talking about Abbacchio, so.]
I'd like to wait for him, I think. I've intruded on his space enough.
[It'd ordinarily be a problem if Bruno were any less reciprocal in his loyalty to Giorno. But loyalty to Bruno transfers easily and with relatively few complications into loyalty to Giorno where it matters for those that would still see a difference. Even if that weren't the case though, Giorno's wise to put them first rather than splitting hairs over it. There's a chance for confusion, sure, but this reduces it so that even ones like Mista will never find themselves torn between old allegiances to Bruno and new promises to Giorno.]
That's probably the wisest choice. He'd only get pissed you didn't let him return the favor otherwise.
[...He loves Abbacchio, okay, but let's not pretend like he's not a petty bitch when he wants to be. Not that Bruno isn't mildly smiling about it anyway.]
[They're all clever people anyway. They'll make their way in this, one way or another. He has faith in all of them just like he has faith in Bruno, and in himself.]
[Hardcore honesty about Abbacchio makes him smile faintly, just like Bruno does. He takes another sip of his coffee.]
And I don't want him to get pissed at me unless I do something to actually deserve it, this time.
That's ambitious if you're taking into account perspective.
[The peace will last for a while once Abbacchio finally gets around to talking to Giorno. But Bruno would worry if Abbacchio went too long without finding something intolerable about Giorno's general existence.]
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[So he listens, and he doesn't bother to hide the way he winces at certain parts - at peace, happy, nothing to forgive. Not because they're bad, but because they're overwhelming. One hand falls to his side, fingers curling in the sand; after a few moments, he nods.]
I appreciate you saying that. I think that . . . if there's one thing about the entire situation that I'm proud of, besides getting rid of Diavolo, besides keeping Mista and Trish safe, it's that. That you were able to find peace. That you were able to be happy, even if it was only for a few minutes.
At the same time - Izabel asked me if I was happy, if it was worth it, and I told her the truth: that I am sometimes, a lot of the time, that I love my life and my work and I love Mista and Trish with all of myself, but there's nothing in the world worth losing you. Any of you. And Abbacchio wasn't happy. And Narancia wasn't ready. In the end, what I wanted was to keep my family safe, and I wasn't able to do that.
[Another sigh, soft and almost muffled in the sound of the wind. He brushes a few stray hairs off of his face and looks out at the ocean.]
That wouldn't have been my first goal when I met you. It would have been a priority, but not the first one. I learned to connect, and that was good, but I never really learned how to let go. There was never anyone I cared about to let go of before.
[All of this is dancing around the point, of course. It's important, but it's not why he came here. And he doesn't want to lie, even by omission, so he looks at Bruno again and drops his chin slightly, not in submission but in acknowledgment of a mistake made.]
You know what I am by nature - that when I love people, when I want the best for them, I want to rearrange their lives to make them happy. As though they're dolls; as though I have some right to their memories or their pain or their connections. That is wrong, whether I mean it to be or not.
I'd like to apologize to you, if you're ready to hear an apology. But if you're not, I understand.
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[So, in the end, it's not something Bruno feels the need to try and correct because he can't tell Giorno how to heal when he still hasn't quite figured it out himself. And it's not something he'd particularly want to change about Giorno right now anyway. Especially not when Giorno is being honest about and aware of himself. He's right in that his intentions are good. But that doesn't negate the fact what he does is wrong. Were his intentions any less than they are, it would not bode well for anyone, Giorno included. He can't and shouldn't be sheltered from feelings like this. He needs to learn that not everything about loving another person is good. Love, for all the good that it brings and does for someone, also comes with a great deal of pain. Bruno believes in Giorno, however. He believes that Giorno is strong enough.]
It will depend on what exactly you're apologizing for.
[Bruno can guess though at this point from the direction of the conversation; he nods for Giorno to go ahead.]
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[Maybe he does now. But saying that won't help at all, and it isn't an apology. So he chooses to explain it a different way.]
I want to apologize for telling Abbacchio what it was your right to tell him. But more than that - I want to apologize for getting involved in something that isn't mine at all, in any way. Something that was there before I came along, something that will be there when I'm gone.
[For another moment he pauses, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks back at Bruno, serious and unsmiling.]
I was talking to Jotaro, and he said . . . there were things he didn't want to tell me because I would take them on as my responsibility. I told him he was right to do that, because he perceives some thing about me more clearly than I do, and I told him about what I told Abbacchio, too. So he asked me if you needed to be protected from Abbacchio - as a hypothetical, you understand, because he knew the answer would be no; he just wanted to understand why I thought I had to step in.
. . . I got so angry so quickly, I didn't even have time to realize he'd framed it as a hypothetical, something meant to alert me to a possible mistake. I just lost my temper. It was stupid. It could've been deadly stupid, if it were a different situation with someone less trustworthy. And I believe it was selfish, too, because I prioritized my fear of instability, of losing one or both of you, over doing what a leader should do and trusting you both to sort it out yourselves.
You were right. I had no right to take even the slightest ownership of either of your deaths, or of the sacrifices you made to protect the rest of us. It was unfair and unkind and unnecessary, because no matter what, I know - I do know - that the two of you will support each other in the end.
Being a leader is about more than ensuring the safety of the people you're leading. It's about more than control. It's about trusting those closest to you to make choices that are right, and offering help if it's asked for, but only if it's asked for. You've both more than proven yourselves to me, and Abbacchio's position in Passione should not be contingent on whether or not he's angry with me. It's his home; I should never have been careless enough to jeopardize it.
So I'm sorry for being a poor leader to both of you in all those ways, and if you'll allow me - now or in the future - I'd like to be the kind of leader you can trust. And the kind of friend you can trust, as well.
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Neither one of us handled the situation well, Giorno. You need to be able to think for yourself, and I need to... [Stop being Buccellati sometimes.] I need to let go sometimes.
[He'll never let Giorno make catastrophic mistakes. He knows he doesn't need to say that. Giorno knows well enough that there are some things Bruno won't stand for and won't allow.]
We both walk a fine line.
It's easy for you to fall into the habit of letting confidence turn into arrogance because you've had to rely on your own abilities for so much longer than you've had to answer to anyone else as a superior or subordinate. It's easy for me to push everything else aside to fix and protect because it's what I've been doing since I was less than even half your age.
I think it's less that either one of us needs to be someone the other can trust. You already are the sort of leader and friend I trust with my life without question, Giorno, and I already know the trust you've been willing to place in my hands. What we need to do is actually trust the other enough to listen and talk openly even when it's difficult. Otherwise, you won't listen to someone who is disagreeing with you and I won't let you lead as you're supposed to.
[Bruno isn't so arrogant to say that his relationship to Giorno is the only one that matters. But there's very little denying that it carries a lot of weight with it outside of just Bruno and Giorno. Abbacchio was right. Confusion and fracturing between them trickles down to the rest. What happened before... They need to find their balance with one another and hold to it instead of Giorno holding too tightly to his decisions or Bruno holding too close to the idea that he has to be the one to do everything as the leader he isn't any longer.]
I won't apologize for getting angry with you. What you did was wrong and I'm glad you see that now. But I'm sorry for trying to hide my anger from you and not trusting you to be able to take it for the sake of trying to keep the peace. That wasn't what you needed from me. [There's a small pause as he starts to raise his thermos to his lips.] It wasn't what I needed either.
[Only after he's said that he is when he takes a drink of his coffee.]
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[It wasn't what I needed either.]
[It's such a small thing, but all the same - he can't keep a shocked smile from spreading across his face. It's a small thing for most people, but for Bruno it's huge, and he's proud, really proud, of Bruno and Abbacchio for being exactly who they are, two of his favorite people in the whole world, his famiglia.]
[He thinks I'm really happy, but doesn't say it; it's not the time or the place. Maybe it's obvious, all the same. His wonderful family.]
I'm glad you got angry with me. It made me start thinking. And I'm glad you stayed angry even though I didn't listen right then. I wouldn't have gotten to this place without you telling me I was wrong. And . . .
I'm glad that he's here for you, and you're here for him. It wouldn't be right otherwise.
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I don't think he likes the idea of you being the leader, [Bruno doesn't anticipate that Abbacchio ever will, and he may still stubbornly only offer absolute loyalty to Bruno,] but his anger has passed. I think he's ready. Or nearly ready.
[But Bruno won't tell Giorno how to approach Abbacchio or if he should at all. He'll leave that up to him to decide for himself. Just as Giorno needs to leave matters between Bruno and Abbacchio to Bruno and Abbacchio, Bruno needs to leave matters between Giorno and Abbacchio to the two of them.]
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I understand that. I've understood that for a while, really. And ordinarily that would be a problem, but I think for the people who were yours originally - they're always going to be yours. And that's all right. They're more important than allegiance to me. It's not about power, it's about making sure they're safe and secure. And happy, ideally.
[Although they're talking about Abbacchio, so.]
I'd like to wait for him, I think. I've intruded on his space enough.
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That's probably the wisest choice. He'd only get pissed you didn't let him return the favor otherwise.
[...He loves Abbacchio, okay, but let's not pretend like he's not a petty bitch when he wants to be. Not that Bruno isn't mildly smiling about it anyway.]
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[Hardcore honesty about Abbacchio makes him smile faintly, just like Bruno does. He takes another sip of his coffee.]
And I don't want him to get pissed at me unless I do something to actually deserve it, this time.
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[The peace will last for a while once Abbacchio finally gets around to talking to Giorno. But Bruno would worry if Abbacchio went too long without finding something intolerable about Giorno's general existence.]